“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”

~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

 

Today many people try to find answers to what they think are their woes, or what will make them happy, rich, satisfied, successful, etc., in an “out-of-the-box” solution.  Many are programmed to seek answers from someone else. Think about it. There are all sorts of messages being thrown at us every day to make us feel like we are missing something and tell us subliminally or overtly that we are not what we should be or where we should be.

We have all seen the headlines of the ads and articles . . .

The Secrets to Financial Success

How to Land the Perfect Job

How to be Happy

What Every Parent Should Know

What You Don’t Know about (fill in the blank) that Will Hurt You

This list of admonitions that suggest we are lacking knowledge or insight and that we need some expert to provide us with all the answers—and worse, have us believing that if we do not act immediately, we will never find love, our purpose, our fame or fortune. A fear-based paradigm filled with uncertainty and doubt enters our lives.  And we believe that we do not have the knowledge or internal resourcefulness, and until we find answers from some external physical source, we’ll never know—destined to be in a constant state of searching, feeling lost and unhappy. 

There are many institutions today that want it this way—to keep the populous unsure, disempowered and preoccupied looking for happiness, and to have us thinking we are not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc.  And we fall into the trap of the power brokers wanting us to stay in some unenlightened state.

For sure, there are many good resources available that can aid people in helping themselves, and learning and exploring throughout life is a good thing, but think how often we fall prey to believing that some personal or professional assessment tool, executive, life, or personal coach, some consultant, family member or friend, etc., will show us the way and give us all the answers. Just as we may start to feel good again or we are making progress something happens in our lives that introduces doubt, fear and uncertainty, and we fall back into a cycle of looking for answers outside of ourselves.

Maybe it is easier this way since looking outside of ourselves to someone or something else gives us someone or something to blame if we don’t think we succeeded. It removes responsibility from ourselves about our Selves. Maybe it is because we think is will be faster or easier if “someone else” does the work for us, tells us what to do and how to do it—and provides us with some advertised magic formula. But there is no magic formula—unless you know that you yourself are the magic formula. You have all the answers for the unique you. No one else does.

You have to remember that no amount of validation, advice, or external support will change that you alone need to choose solutions or answers to what you deem as your challenges and then find the strength within yourself to implement them. All the words, programs, tools or advisors in the world cannot change the fact that sometimes you just need to sit with your feelings, to reflect and to have the answers you seek come to you.

We all have been around or encountered people who are self-absorbed, function in their own world or just seem oblivious to others. Their needs or wants, words, actions and behaviors are void of awareness of the impact others. They are wrapped up in themselves or particular set of circumstances, and sometimes can seem ungrateful and selfish.

Those around them can feel unappreciated and even alienated. Sure, there are some stressful times or circumstances where people can lose sight of what and who is around them. They become so overwhelmed by the situation and challenges that they are facing that they sort of zone out of any situational or emotional awareness. These are extreme circumstances and for the most part are quite understandable.

What I’m talking more about are the people who routinely have a lack of self awareness and really do not see the impact of what they are doing or saying on those around them. Regardless of the topic being discussed, it always has to come back to them or be about them. They drive through encounters with blinders on and moving full steam ahead to their endpoint insensitive to others on the path with them.  They overstep personal boundaries. They take and never give. They are so entrenched in themselves they fail to have gratitude or be kind. 

We can go into a lot of analysis on what is driving this type of behavior—fear, lack of confidence, hurt, anger, etc. And, yes, there is good amount of self reflection to be had. But when you are in the same space with the self-centered or situationally and emotionally unaware, it can be quite trying and it’s easy to have the WTF moments. If it’s chronic, you might want to speak up and point out what’s going on—with the advice that it may be time for some self-awareness to kick in.

One of the hallmarks of self-awareness is the ability to understand the impact you have on others. Many people go through their entire lives only thinking of their own immediate needs and what will affect them directly. They react to their environment based not on their dreams and wishes but with unconscious thoughts, feelings and actions.

That said, it is wise to check in with yourself once in a while on your self awareness and to make sure that you are not falling into a self-awareness void. The more you pay attention to your emotions and how you work, the better you will understand why you do the things you do.  Recognizing and understanding your emotions will help you get to the place where it will be impossible for your emotions to rule or control you.

Check in on your mindfulness. Mindfulness is the energy that helps you recognize the happiness and contentment that already exists in your life. When you are caught up in worries, fears, anger, the past or the future, you are not mindful of where you are at any particular time. With this, try to slow it down and reduce the multi-tasking. Stop overbooking yourself. It’s OK to do a little less and put some space between things or “to-dos.” Try to stop worrying about the future, what you will say next and overthinking. And stop reliving your past.

If you understand and accept your emotions. reflect and take time to be in the moment, the self-absorption trap can be alleviated. And you might be in a better place to give some helpful hints to those who are chronically self-absorbed—or at least understand where they may be at.

“Some changes happen deep down inside of you. And the truth is, only you know about them.”

― Judy Blume, Tiger Eyes

 

Sometimes our spirits seem not to be enjoying this earthly experience, and sometimes we can find ourselves even resenting our current physical incarnations. We long for a fog to be lifted, energy to rise and new found peace. This state happens when your mind, body and soul are not aligned or in sync. And to get them to be in sync you need to make It personal, and to live in harmony with your true nature—your Self.  Here is where you transcend limitations and doubt and cease to identify with fear and lower emotional states.

Making it personal has a few meanings in the context of syncing up your mind, body and soul. One is that making it personal gives you the drive and the passion to work toward an improved mind, body and soul relationship. Think about it this way. We invest our energies and we make deep and sustainable commitments when something deeply matters to us because we are directly impacted. I’m not talking about selfish or ego-driven wants, but about an issue, cause or belief that is exclusive to you for meaningful and real change.

Which leads me to the other context for making it personal. We are all unique beings. We are all “wired” differently. We may share common attributes or characteristics, but what we feel deep inside, what we think, how we behave, etc., are all very special to us. Our thoughts, words and actions—and our body, mind and soul relationships cannot be duplicated or shared. So if you find your Self out of alignment, it is only you who can work to get your mind, body and soul in harmony.

I know that sometimes it may not feel like it, but it is really a privilege to be on earth at this time of ascension and evolution. Of course there are seasons when it may be difficult or challenging in the physicality of you—but you should not lose sight that you have the means and the power to make change.

The Mind

The mind is a very powerful tool and when out of balance it can lead to anxiety, fear, worry and even withdrawal. When in balance our mind can stimulate creativity, enhance intuition and provide drive and motivation. It is important to find time to calm your mind, as well as to nourish it with positive thought and challenge it with new concepts and ideas.

The Body

Our bodies are amazing vessels that allow us to physically move about the world. When not in a state of well being, it can lead to physical symptoms and weakened immunity. Just as we need to nourish our minds, we need to nourish our bodies with a healthy diet, exercise and being physically active and rest.

The Soul

Our souls are our energy or life force that lives within all of us. Our souls are so powerful that they can never be destroyed. The purpose of our soul (or spirit body) is to grow and evolve. Though our souls cannot be destroyed, they can and will shift or morph—as we ascend. And as we nourish and care for our minds and bodies, we do need to nurture our souls as well. Our souls can be nurtured by the practice of gratitude, learning the power of self-love, embracing who you are and learning acceptance and forgiveness, and seeking ways to find your spiritual grounding (in meditation, quiet time, being outdoors.)

We all have the potential to heal and transform ourselves through our thoughts, words and actions—through our perceptions and choices. If you are feeling tired, out of sync, frustrated, upset or overall not well, take time to seriously examine your mind, body and soul relationship and one day at a time begin to take simple steps to bring them into better alignment. And the first step is to make this personal—it is your journey and only you will know and experience the transformation deep inside of you.

Picture this. It’s a beautiful summer day. One of those days with the right mix of sun and high clouds, nice breeze, not too hot and low humidity. So like many I think what a nice day to stop at a park and carve out some time to just enjoy. While I’m there I start to people watch. And I start to see this interesting phenomena. I see people of all ages, walks of life and cultures coming and going, walking, running, skateboarding, biking and more—but all looking down at their device (yes, the smartphone).

I like my technology and devices, and being connected, just like most people—but sitting there watching this I started to think what is so important that on this beautiful day that the majority of people were not looking up. I saw couples, groups of friends, etc. together, but not engaged with each other. They were all looking at and using their phones/devices.

So I thought—why would you take time to go to the park on this great summer day (I would say with the intention to enjoy the sun and fresh air, to relax, to “get away,” etc.) and not really be in the moment and not look up and see and take it all in.  

Life can get busy. It is filled with lots of distractions and “to-do’s (yes, most self imposed)—and when we set aside time to cultivate rest and to take a break to nurture our minds, bodies and souls—why do we feel the need to be attached to the devices in our hands, to, in a sense, be somewhere else?

It is an excuse not to really be in that moment? I ask you to really think about that.

I know for many of us we are brainwashed to think what we produce correlates to who we are. There  is some badge of honor for being busy, finishing one task and moving right to the next, of having to get to that email, or rush to somewhere to be. This mindset and corresponding behavior has become so pervasive and imbedded in our selves. We have built-in distraction—right in our own beings. And worse, we may not see it.

We may justify it as everyone else is doing it, or as isn’t technology great that I can be in “two or more” places at the same time. We start to lose fully enjoying where we are right now, in this moment. For too many there are no moments.  For some they try to capture the moment by taking pictures with their smart devices. But you can only capture a moment by fully being in that moment.

It is time to have those moments. It’s time to look up and take in what is around you and who you are with. It’s time to cultivate rest. And a great starting point is to put the devices down, to look up and to talk to each other. It is time to take moments to reflect and be with yourself.

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.” 

― Jim Morrison

 

As we approach Independence Day (July 4^th) in the United States I thought what an opportune time to take a look at declaring your freedom; in fact, to write your own declaration of independence.

First to set the context and to ground your reflection on this, we can look back to our school days when we learned that it was on July 4, 1776 that the second Continental Congress signed the Declaration of Independence, claiming legal separation from the British crown. And this set in motion the formal beginning of the American Revolution. It was not, however, until 1783 that the final treaties were ratified.

I’m not suggesting that it will take eight years to finalize or realize your personal independence, but that you need to allow yourself the time to reflect, to question, to think, contemplate and set (or reset) your intentions. From 1776 to 1783 people declared freedom and took action to gain that freedom. This is the moment for you to declare your freedom—freedom from expectations, unhealthy habits, the power brokers, etc. This is the moment to set in motion your freedom to question, to awaken and to be true to yourself.

Every day, every moment brings change. Change is a constant—even when you want to hold onto certain paradigms, circumstances, routines, etc., these things that you hold onto are in a changing and ascending world. One perspective is that by holding on to anything requires you to adapt or change just to hold on. With this, consider that holding on or being resistant to change is blocking your independence. You may be living in other’s expectations, in fear, denial, debt, or unconsciously, and the energy that you use living in this state impedes growth—and ultimately your freedom. 

You may have things in your life that you wish were different. Take the effort to understand them and what you vision for your life.  Remember what you think are problems and that these problems that are holding you down is really a mirror or out-picturing of your thoughts or even misconceptions.

Declaring your independence is about removing the restrictions and limitations you put on yourself, and exercising your universal right to be you—to be happy, content, productive and at peace.

Many struggle today and live in a paradox of saying they want freedom, to be untethered and seek independence but they wait to be told what to do and how to do it, they blame others, they stop to think for themselves or to formulate their own opinions and concepts. In declaring your independence, you take responsibility and ownership.

Let me be clear, freedom should not be just for freedom’s sake. It is what you do with it. It is about challenging your self and valuing growth. Independence and freedom is about choice—and living a fulfilling life. A good question to ask yourself when you are on the path to creating your freedom is what happens when you have it and what’s next.

So on this 4^th of July weekend of Independence, celebrate you and take the first steps towards your independence from limitation and oppression. Remind yourself that you have the power and resolve to live consciously.  Declare you freedom!

What do you think—what does freedom mean to you?

I recently had a moment that made me think I was somewhere between not looking back and what may be beyond the horizon I saw before me.  Of all places this moment took place in a gym while I was on travel. I was running on a treadmill in a bank of treadmills that were facing an ocean view. Behind me were more cardio and weight machines. As I ran on the treadmill along side my fellow “treadmillers” I was looking straight ahead to the beautiful property in front of me and beyond that to the horizon of where the ocean met the sky.

It was a good run. I felt good. I really was not thinking about or aware of what or who was behind me. I admired the horizon. Then it hit me. Essentially I was running in place. Maybe the distance or miles were accumulating while I ran, but I was not really moving forward. I was looking forward to the horizon but was not really getting closer to it.

So this got me thinking how I could be in complete motion but not advancing or having forward motion. I was intrigued by the horizon and thought what is beyond it, but I was not getting closer to it. 

I really don’t feel stuck, but this moment had me reflect on that place in which we sometimes find ourselves. We have let things go. We reduced or stopped our looking back, we see a wonderful horizon in front of us but we are in an interesting state of moving in one place.

Maybe it’s that we need to run in place for a while to contemplate and think about what we want at the horizon or beyond it. Maybe it’s because we are unsure of next steps or tentative about the forward motion that will move us—really move us—closer to that horizon. At times, it could be because we are fearful on what’s beyond that horizon.

I think it’s probably a combination of all of these and we rotate among them depending upon our current state, what’s on our minds and in our thoughts.

It’s good to get to a place where you stop looking over your shoulder or looking back. It is knowing that you truly have had forward motion, have embraced your experiences and have moved on and grown. It’s good to look up and see the space before you, including the horizon. But we have to remind ourselves not to run in place too long. To trust what lies in front of us and step into it with faith and confidence. It’s fine to admire the horizon for a bit, but just as you moved to where you are now you will move toward that horizon—and there will always be horizons in front of you.

So after my run. I left the gym and walked to beach and closer to that horizon.

“We can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one”

~Paulo Coelho

 

Many of us have seen the movie “Groundhog Day.” In this movie, Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, an egocentric TV weatherman who, during a hated assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, finds himself repeating the same day over and over again. After indulging in hedonism and numerous suicide attempts, he begins to reexamine his life and priorities—until he breaks the cycle.

In this post, I want to explore two perspectives of what I’ll call the “Groundhog day syndrome.” One is the individual perspective—thinking a bit about how or why you may be experiencing the syndrome and how to get out of the groundhog day cycle. The other is the perspective of when you are pulled into or are part of someone else’s groundhog day—where someone else may be experiencing a cycle of repeats, but you happen to be in their “movie” of repeats.

Your Groundhog Day

Albert Einstein has a well-known statement that says “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” Many of us are living out our own Groundhog Day. We keep repeating the same dramas over and over again. We keep confronting the same problems and the same issues in most of the situations we are in, because we don’t really work too hard to reflect, learn and evolve in a timely way.

For some, there is a “comfort” in taking the same actions daily—but yet they will feel frustrated, angry or confused when the results they get are the same. They even may look to blame others or lash out at others. This is where a “time-out” is needed. If you find yourself in this mode of operation, it is time to step out of yourself and observe what you may be thinking and doing and put energy into altering your thoughts, words and actions. Deeply inquire into your life. Only you can make this change and begin to awaken. 

I have talked about this many times but to reiterate not being consciously present means that life will just happen to you. Think about it this way, often we know exactly what situations we are getting into but when the unconscious tendencies kick in, living our lives can become habits. We need to become aware of the unconscious habits that are the undercurrent of our realities—our lives—and see what we can change—our attitudes, our thoughts, what we say and how we say it, what we do and and how we do it. Overall, start to respond to life with all the built-in intelligence and instincts you have. When you arrive at this place, you will see amazing results that are more aligned with your intentions and your being.

Others’ Groundhog Days

It’s safe to say that for most of us we have experienced a scenario that goes like this. You have someone in your life—a loved one, friend, co-worker, etc.—that you encounter frequently and that encounter is often filled with thoughts of “didn’t’ we talk about this already,” “why wasn’t X or Y done yet,” “why isn’t there forward motion or things progressing,” or “I feel like I’m in a Groundhog Day.” But it is not your Groundhod Day. It is the other person’s but you are part of the scene in their life movie.

You may first question yourself as in if there is a lesson you need to learn, something you need to reconcile or make peace with, etc. I have to say, this is not always the case. The other person may need to learn and have the continuous repeats until the learning happens. You just happen to be part of that connected process. Here is where patience is needed. It is quite easy to get frustrated and maybe lose faith in the other person.

The first step is understanding that the other person needs to experience their life lesson, but if you feel that they are not quite moving forward, you may need to share your insight about reflection, letting go and making change. You can help coach them to respond to life instead of just reacting. When you are in another’s Groundhog Day, you need to be mindful of your emotions and energy and be careful to not get overly impacted. Stay grounded and leave yourself some space to breathe and recover.

I hope this provided some perspective that will help you break the Groundhog Day Syndrome, and I invite you to share how you keep from living your life as just a habit.

In our world today there is a lot expectation, focus on fitting in, to be productive, to please others, to live a meaningful and impactful life and to find your purpose. This can create tremendous pressure and tension, not to mention distraction. In the midst of all we do everyday living in this paradigm, we can lose our unique voices. We start to use others’ words, concepts or ideas to express ourselves. We emulate others’ lives. We create desire for things or life styles that are not really what we want or even need. We may even follow beliefs that aren’t our own since we stop to question or maybe because it’s easier.

Yes, emulation to a certain degree is not wrong or damaging, since emulation is part of early growth and development. It helps us see what fits for us. It helps us try different personas on for size. But where it can become an issue is when we rely on it or lose the essence of ourselves. In order to find contentment, to live a meaningful live—a life of our soul’s intention—we must find our own voice. Our voices are not manufactured, they are uncovered and discovered.

Think of it from this perspective. The sources of the word “voice” are close to the Latin word vocare, which means to call or invoke. Our unique voice is the thing that is being called out in the midst of our living. One way to look at it is that your voice is the foundation or underlying why of who you are and your passions. 

But in today’s world filled with noise and distraction (e.g. ads, television, social media, constant “news,” judgement, criticism, etc.) we sometimes forget about our unique voice. We give up or get lost.

So how do you re-discover your voice?  First, define your voice as not just your vocal sound or original thought. Your voice is your body, your mind, your heart and your soul. They are all connected.

Ask yourself these questions—preferably when you are not distracted or rushed. Have a conversation with yourself about:

• What are you good at?
• What do you really love doing?
• What need can you serve?
• What do you feel like you should be doing?
• What one thing in the world would you change?

For most of us the answers will not coming flowing in or come in an amazing “ah-ha” moment. For most of us we may struggle with these questions, and for some, we may initially have an “I don’t know” response. This is OK. Think about it, we have become so conditioned to think and behave in a certain way. We are bombarded with all kinds of messaging. We live in a world of expectation and critical judgement, and have not had this honest conversation with ourselves for a very long time or if at all. Finding your voice is an evolving process, and you need to let that process happen.

For many, they live their lives in a state of quiet desperation—often deferring dreams and using the typical excuses of money or time. A first step to leaving this behind is to accept that you have a unique and special voice and it has infinite possibilities. Spend some time alone. Ease your mind in a few minutes of stillness. Listen to the world around you. What makes you happy, angry, sad, scared, etc. Listen to your emotions. Think about what inspires you and write it down. And always listen to your heart.

Own your platform. Build from where you are. Start from where you are. Do not dwell in the past or worry about the future. Think about what foundation you can build upon to begin affecting the kinds of change you would like to see in yourself and in the world around you.  Start your journey of finding your voice and letting it be heard.