At a recent conference I was at, a speaker spoke about how he did not want his daughter to be defined as a consumer, and for her not to think of herself as a consumer. “She is a creator, not a consumer,” he said.

This struck me, initially thinking how we unconsciously accept labels imposed upon us by today’s institutions and paradigms, by our family and friends and even ourselves. Then I thought that we are all indeed creators so why do we let others define us, and more so why do we use the defined or existing categories of identity to define ourselves. Maybe because it’s easier, more comfortable or familiar, but when we do this we lose our ability to create who we are.

Ask yourself this question. “Who are you?”

By human nature and by ingrained habit, we might respond with our job title or “what we do for a living,” our heritage or culture, our sex, our relationship status, our astrological sign, our religion, where we live or where we “came from” as in the history of where we were born, grew up and where we now live. If we contemplate the question more, we might respond with our hobbies or values and beliefs.

For some, we may not define ourselves alone. We may define ourselves attached to someone else or something else.  We all have many identities and they are all contextual. How you portray or even define yourself in person with an intimate circle of friends or family, vs in a work environment or on social media will be different. Our various identities are significant, varied and multi-faceted—even multi-dimensional. They reflect us from our endless myriad of experiences.  

The challenge comes in when we unconsciously (and consciously) identify ourselves by definitions that are external to us, and by the generality of these definitions. Mother, wife, student, senior citizen, entrepreneur, retired, employed, end user, consumer, etc.  Our identity is more than the generalized identify of the groups we are part of, what we do or what stage of our life we are in. Our identity is more than the duality of emotions or characteristics we experience today.

However, many get drawn and stuck in self-definition or identity that is not created by them. They tie their identities to false expectations, assumptions, desires created by capitalism, institutional paradigms of degrees, test scores, performance reviews, investments, social media likes and followers, etc. They unwittingly misplace their identity in the hands of others—not questioning, and worse filling a self-fulfilling prophecy created by external forces and others.

When we do this we limit ourselves and struggle with simply being us.  We can fall into the trap of wanting and purchasing things we do not need or even like. We strive to meet goals that are not truly ours. We doubt ourselves when we compare ourselves to others or do not “live up” to the expectations of others. We let a score or a rating determine our future. We let a characteristic that someone gave us in some season of our life dictate our behaviors and close our minds.

As creators, we have the ability to create and define ourselves—and what is even more amazing is that the creation and definition of yourself can (and will) change. Everyday you have the ability to create you. So I ask, why bog this down with labels and definitions that others have bestowed upon you? Define your self.

Every once in a while it feels like life throws us a curve ball or puts up a road block that makes us question what we are doing and why we are doing it, and to have that more immediate reaction of “why bother” or “I just wasted time and energy.” You know that feeling (and some may say it out loud) of “well, that’s hours of my life that I wasted” or “can’t get back.”

It is, for the most part, a normal human reaction. Be it time and energy invested in a relationship, job, project, etc., when something happens that feels like It halts progress, changes how we feel, what we do or how we do it, we tend to initially feel betrayed—after all, we were hoping and believing that the experiences we were having were going to result in something, deliver us a next step up the proverbial ladder of success, or get us connected to new people or places that would serve some purpose for our purpose.

I am a firm believer in experiences and that there is no such thing as time or energy wasted. From every experience we learn, grow, evolve and progress. But sometimes we get a bit off center about the experience. As we embrace that any given path we are on—with persons we encounter, situations or challenges we navigate, hurdles we overcome and emotions we feel—will deliver something tangible and an outcome that will get us to the “next level,” open a door to a new opportunity or fulfill us. 

And when after investing time and energy on this path, a wrench gets thrown in, we can sometimes think of ourselves as a fool. But the only foolish thing was losing sight—even for a few moments—that it is not about the end game or getting to the next level. It is not about a deliverable for the hope or expectation we held. It is simply about the experience—nothing more and nothing less.

In a way, all roads lead to nothing if you are thinking in a liner fashion and that the road will lead you somewhere, with somewhere defined as a destination or end point. Think about it this way. There are no destinations or end points.  There is a flow of interactions, events, emotions and feelings that are all part of your experiences.

Life really is a collection of endless and timeless experiences—essentially a continuous string of them. When we start to overlay expectations on our experiences or desire an experience to result in something tangible with some time line attached to it, this is where we can start to feel a bit betrayed or deflated and think that the Universe is working against us. Sometimes we put too much emphasis on what our purpose in life is. Our purpose is to experience and through those individual experiences we are part of the Universal whole.

There is no “end” in life because your life is not about fulfilling any fixed agenda. Your life is energy experiencing itself. Your life energy—as in all energy—never stops. It flows. When you remove the mind-set of thinking of your life as a project plan with milestones and key deliverables, and simply let the process of your life unfold you will be able to be more in the moment and appreciate your experiences for creating the every evolving you. All you encounter, all the people you meet on your path and all you feel are there for a reason—with that reason being for you to just experience.

How more often then not that we drift uneasy into our night’s sleep with way too many thoughts running through our minds. We play over encounters from the day and the little (or big) dramas. We put more things on the next day’s “to-do” list that we did not get done. We think about times past, what we missed, wish we did or where we would like to be. And we put ourselves fully in yesterday or the next day thinking about what we have to do or sometimes dreading some where we have to be. First of all—not a good way to fall into sleep, but more so this sets us up so that within the first few seconds of our mornings our minds kick into high gear carrying over the thoughts from the night before, and we may actually start to fear the day.

You know that feeling—you wake up and your body feels a bit heavy, your head is fuzzy and you push yourself to get yourself in motion. Within the first very few precious moments of your new day, you have lost the joy of jumping into the day. You pre-loaded the day with expectations, doubt, uncertainty and fear.

This is really no way to start each new day, and we need to flip this mindset.  Think how amazing it is to wake up and feel excited about the day ahead and being in a state of mind where you embrace and look forward to the new experiences that await you.  Think how empowering it is to step into your day with confidence and strength. Think about how gratifying it is to be in the actual moments of your day.

Overall our lives in this physical dimension are a collection or succession of continuous single, unique days. The lives we chose to live in this dimension are determined by how we choose to spend each day. 

With many things going on in life it can be challenging to feel charged for the day ahead—but the more I practice getting in this mind set that the more I realize it is about intention and putting in some effort. It’s not always easy to keep the loud noise from vibrating in my head, to turn down the volume and clear my mind. It takes practice to ease into your evening or night, to quiet yourself, as well as to stop your mind from going into overdrive within the first few minutes after you wake up. Deep conscious breathing and still or active meditation does help.

I think sometimes of the times in my life where days came and went and I was functioning in an over scripted routine—letting worry, frustration, anxiety and fear drive me–where I was rushing just to sit in traffic. Rushing to get the morning work out in. Running from meeting to meeting. Eating lunch at my desk for weeks if not months on end. Rushing to be places as if it would be the end of the world if I was late a few minutes.

Jumping ahead in my thoughts so much that I was not really listening and hearing people. This current physical life is a bit too short to be going through each of my new days like this. So—I stopped. Over the past few years I have worked to change by mindset—and focus on each day as a gift and to embrace my days for the potential they hold. I have made the decision not to start each day from a point of fear, worry or expectation.

Do I always get it “right.” Well, of course not. But in being fortunate to get another day, I hit the reset button. And I have to say over a few years, I have made lasting changes for the better—and I don’t lose sight that I will make the most of each day in the context of that day—rain or shine, crazy busy or slow, red lights and green lights and everything in between.

We all have been around or encountered people who are self-absorbed, function in their own world or just seem oblivious to others. Their needs or wants, words, actions and behaviors are void of awareness of the impact others. They are wrapped up in themselves or particular set of circumstances, and sometimes can seem ungrateful and selfish.

Those around them can feel unappreciated and even alienated. Sure, there are some stressful times or circumstances where people can lose sight of what and who is around them. They become so overwhelmed by the situation and challenges that they are facing that they sort of zone out of any situational or emotional awareness. These are extreme circumstances and for the most part are quite understandable.

What I’m talking more about are the people who routinely have a lack of self awareness and really do not see the impact of what they are doing or saying on those around them. Regardless of the topic being discussed, it always has to come back to them or be about them. They drive through encounters with blinders on and moving full steam ahead to their endpoint insensitive to others on the path with them.  They overstep personal boundaries. They take and never give. They are so entrenched in themselves they fail to have gratitude or be kind. 

We can go into a lot of analysis on what is driving this type of behavior—fear, lack of confidence, hurt, anger, etc. And, yes, there is good amount of self reflection to be had. But when you are in the same space with the self-centered or situationally and emotionally unaware, it can be quite trying and it’s easy to have the WTF moments. If it’s chronic, you might want to speak up and point out what’s going on—with the advice that it may be time for some self-awareness to kick in.

One of the hallmarks of self-awareness is the ability to understand the impact you have on others. Many people go through their entire lives only thinking of their own immediate needs and what will affect them directly. They react to their environment based not on their dreams and wishes but with unconscious thoughts, feelings and actions.

That said, it is wise to check in with yourself once in a while on your self awareness and to make sure that you are not falling into a self-awareness void. The more you pay attention to your emotions and how you work, the better you will understand why you do the things you do.  Recognizing and understanding your emotions will help you get to the place where it will be impossible for your emotions to rule or control you.

Check in on your mindfulness. Mindfulness is the energy that helps you recognize the happiness and contentment that already exists in your life. When you are caught up in worries, fears, anger, the past or the future, you are not mindful of where you are at any particular time. With this, try to slow it down and reduce the multi-tasking. Stop overbooking yourself. It’s OK to do a little less and put some space between things or “to-dos.” Try to stop worrying about the future, what you will say next and overthinking. And stop reliving your past.

If you understand and accept your emotions. reflect and take time to be in the moment, the self-absorption trap can be alleviated. And you might be in a better place to give some helpful hints to those who are chronically self-absorbed—or at least understand where they may be at.

Picture this. It’s a beautiful summer day. One of those days with the right mix of sun and high clouds, nice breeze, not too hot and low humidity. So like many I think what a nice day to stop at a park and carve out some time to just enjoy. While I’m there I start to people watch. And I start to see this interesting phenomena. I see people of all ages, walks of life and cultures coming and going, walking, running, skateboarding, biking and more—but all looking down at their device (yes, the smartphone).

I like my technology and devices, and being connected, just like most people—but sitting there watching this I started to think what is so important that on this beautiful day that the majority of people were not looking up. I saw couples, groups of friends, etc. together, but not engaged with each other. They were all looking at and using their phones/devices.

So I thought—why would you take time to go to the park on this great summer day (I would say with the intention to enjoy the sun and fresh air, to relax, to “get away,” etc.) and not really be in the moment and not look up and see and take it all in.  

Life can get busy. It is filled with lots of distractions and “to-do’s (yes, most self imposed)—and when we set aside time to cultivate rest and to take a break to nurture our minds, bodies and souls—why do we feel the need to be attached to the devices in our hands, to, in a sense, be somewhere else?

It is an excuse not to really be in that moment? I ask you to really think about that.

I know for many of us we are brainwashed to think what we produce correlates to who we are. There  is some badge of honor for being busy, finishing one task and moving right to the next, of having to get to that email, or rush to somewhere to be. This mindset and corresponding behavior has become so pervasive and imbedded in our selves. We have built-in distraction—right in our own beings. And worse, we may not see it.

We may justify it as everyone else is doing it, or as isn’t technology great that I can be in “two or more” places at the same time. We start to lose fully enjoying where we are right now, in this moment. For too many there are no moments.  For some they try to capture the moment by taking pictures with their smart devices. But you can only capture a moment by fully being in that moment.

It is time to have those moments. It’s time to look up and take in what is around you and who you are with. It’s time to cultivate rest. And a great starting point is to put the devices down, to look up and to talk to each other. It is time to take moments to reflect and be with yourself.

I recently had a moment that made me think I was somewhere between not looking back and what may be beyond the horizon I saw before me.  Of all places this moment took place in a gym while I was on travel. I was running on a treadmill in a bank of treadmills that were facing an ocean view. Behind me were more cardio and weight machines. As I ran on the treadmill along side my fellow “treadmillers” I was looking straight ahead to the beautiful property in front of me and beyond that to the horizon of where the ocean met the sky.

It was a good run. I felt good. I really was not thinking about or aware of what or who was behind me. I admired the horizon. Then it hit me. Essentially I was running in place. Maybe the distance or miles were accumulating while I ran, but I was not really moving forward. I was looking forward to the horizon but was not really getting closer to it.

So this got me thinking how I could be in complete motion but not advancing or having forward motion. I was intrigued by the horizon and thought what is beyond it, but I was not getting closer to it. 

I really don’t feel stuck, but this moment had me reflect on that place in which we sometimes find ourselves. We have let things go. We reduced or stopped our looking back, we see a wonderful horizon in front of us but we are in an interesting state of moving in one place.

Maybe it’s that we need to run in place for a while to contemplate and think about what we want at the horizon or beyond it. Maybe it’s because we are unsure of next steps or tentative about the forward motion that will move us—really move us—closer to that horizon. At times, it could be because we are fearful on what’s beyond that horizon.

I think it’s probably a combination of all of these and we rotate among them depending upon our current state, what’s on our minds and in our thoughts.

It’s good to get to a place where you stop looking over your shoulder or looking back. It is knowing that you truly have had forward motion, have embraced your experiences and have moved on and grown. It’s good to look up and see the space before you, including the horizon. But we have to remind ourselves not to run in place too long. To trust what lies in front of us and step into it with faith and confidence. It’s fine to admire the horizon for a bit, but just as you moved to where you are now you will move toward that horizon—and there will always be horizons in front of you.

So after my run. I left the gym and walked to beach and closer to that horizon.

In our world today there is a lot expectation, focus on fitting in, to be productive, to please others, to live a meaningful and impactful life and to find your purpose. This can create tremendous pressure and tension, not to mention distraction. In the midst of all we do everyday living in this paradigm, we can lose our unique voices. We start to use others’ words, concepts or ideas to express ourselves. We emulate others’ lives. We create desire for things or life styles that are not really what we want or even need. We may even follow beliefs that aren’t our own since we stop to question or maybe because it’s easier.

Yes, emulation to a certain degree is not wrong or damaging, since emulation is part of early growth and development. It helps us see what fits for us. It helps us try different personas on for size. But where it can become an issue is when we rely on it or lose the essence of ourselves. In order to find contentment, to live a meaningful live—a life of our soul’s intention—we must find our own voice. Our voices are not manufactured, they are uncovered and discovered.

Think of it from this perspective. The sources of the word “voice” are close to the Latin word vocare, which means to call or invoke. Our unique voice is the thing that is being called out in the midst of our living. One way to look at it is that your voice is the foundation or underlying why of who you are and your passions. 

But in today’s world filled with noise and distraction (e.g. ads, television, social media, constant “news,” judgement, criticism, etc.) we sometimes forget about our unique voice. We give up or get lost.

So how do you re-discover your voice?  First, define your voice as not just your vocal sound or original thought. Your voice is your body, your mind, your heart and your soul. They are all connected.

Ask yourself these questions—preferably when you are not distracted or rushed. Have a conversation with yourself about:

• What are you good at?
• What do you really love doing?
• What need can you serve?
• What do you feel like you should be doing?
• What one thing in the world would you change?

For most of us the answers will not coming flowing in or come in an amazing “ah-ha” moment. For most of us we may struggle with these questions, and for some, we may initially have an “I don’t know” response. This is OK. Think about it, we have become so conditioned to think and behave in a certain way. We are bombarded with all kinds of messaging. We live in a world of expectation and critical judgement, and have not had this honest conversation with ourselves for a very long time or if at all. Finding your voice is an evolving process, and you need to let that process happen.

For many, they live their lives in a state of quiet desperation—often deferring dreams and using the typical excuses of money or time. A first step to leaving this behind is to accept that you have a unique and special voice and it has infinite possibilities. Spend some time alone. Ease your mind in a few minutes of stillness. Listen to the world around you. What makes you happy, angry, sad, scared, etc. Listen to your emotions. Think about what inspires you and write it down. And always listen to your heart.

Own your platform. Build from where you are. Start from where you are. Do not dwell in the past or worry about the future. Think about what foundation you can build upon to begin affecting the kinds of change you would like to see in yourself and in the world around you.  Start your journey of finding your voice and letting it be heard.

A few observations struck me over the past few days that had me thinking about when did we lose the joy of ourselves. When did we leave behind the pure essence of ourselves like a faded photograph in some strange exchange for fitting in?  When did we lose sight of our true inner beauty selling ourselves out to be, well, accepted? When did we start to believe what others thought of us mattered… so much so that it started to define us and where we may have put out intentions to meet those expectations or arbitrary criteria for being “normal” or to be like everyone else, or even worse to be someone else?

It was a pleasant spring day and I stopped by a park to get some fresh air and sunshine. I first noticed small children simply playing. Simply just being—running, laughing and overall just oblivious to anyone around them. They were not worrying about what others may have been thinking about them or what they were doing. After all, they were just having fun and in their moments of joy.

As I sat in the sun I saw many people walking, running, etc. In particular, there was one women who caught my attention. Unlike the others who were going about their walk or run in what one would say was more conventional or how most people go about their walk or run, she was “dance-walking.” She had her ear-buds in and was walking at a good pace—but along her walk, she was dancing—breaking out some moves, stopping briefly along the way in a fluid flow of dance.

I saw her circle around the path a few times, all the way moving to her beat—to her song. I have to say, it made me smile and think good for her! There were a good amount of people along her path, but she never stopped. She did not get self conscious or try to subdue her moves.  What also caught my attention was how the adults along the way seemed to “ignore” her as they noticed her, but more so how the little kids gravitated to her. They would stop, look back at her, smile and put a dance move in their steps. It was like magic. 

The next day driving home from work I decided to take a different route.  I passed an elementary school that had on its marquee a Dr. Seuss quote from The Cat in the Hat, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out.” The Universe sending me a message for sure—connecting my observations from the past two days.

Somewhere along the early path of our lives, we start to get self-conscious. A phenomenon subtly but increasingly occurs where we start to be compared by others or compare ourselves to others, and where we start to pay more attention to the noise around us about what we are suppose to want, how we are suppose to act, etc. When we don’t think we live up to those expectations or criteria, we work even harder to meet those myths. In a paradox of thinking we are working to stand out, we are actually working to fit in. We work so hard to blend in or to be like others that we forget to just let ourselves be ourselves.

Some people put so much effort or energy into this that their joy is lost. The happiness of being satisfied with who they are, where they are and where they are going gets buried. The music of their souls is drowned out by noise and the colors of their worlds fade. But all is not lost. As I thought about the small children at play, the dance walker and the Dr. Seuss quote, it brought back into focus the importance of re-discovering joy, to heed the advice of being true to yourself and to hear and sing the song of your soul.

Just as anger can be a powerful and palpable emotion, so can joy. Feel it. Let yourself go and be happy. Immerse yourself in it no matter what your situation. When you are grateful for something, feel that completely. Take a few minutes and feel that joy. Stop being so self-conscious. Stop comparing yourself to others and don’t worry so much of what others think of you. Remember, joy comes from within. Joy requires no one else’s approval, validation or permission. Rediscover your joy!

Ever since I was very young when I became conscious of living and recognized that there was a whole, big world out there filled with all sorts of different places and people, I have been fascinated by the individual or personal human experience. I was intrigued by the expanses of space and geography and how I could be having my very own personal experiences and everyone else in the world was having theirs–at essentially the same time. I was perplexed on how there were billions of people doing things, saying things, etc., and I was not part of them… not there to see it, hear it or feel it.

I used to try to imagine what it would be like to truly experience what someone else was experiencing. I wondered what it would be like to see the world through others’ eyes, and how I could somehow transpose myself into someone else’s body to see what it was like to be someone else or know at any given time not only what someone else was doing, but was part of their experience.

Maybe social media serves as that “transporter” for now and gets us closer but this still is, in a sense, one dimensional or only bi-directional. We may be able to share or be in real time and space connected through some digital interface, but not quite able to have an inter-person experience–where we experience someone’s feelings and really know what it is like to be that other person, to be in that other place, etc. This is sort of the ultimate real experience of walking in someone else’s shoes. This poses an interesting question. Are we are ever meant to have that type of experience. Maybe not. You only need your own looking glass. 

I think fairly early on in my life I realized that each one of us is indescribably unique and we are not meant to be somewhere else, be someone else or have someone else’s experiences while in this physical space. We are who we are and where we are at any given moment for a reason.

Regardless of where you are or who you are with, your experiences–what you feel, how you interpret what you see or what you hear–are explicitly and authentically yours. No one can have them or replicate them just as you cannot have or replicate someone else’s experiences. There is something special about that, almost sacred.

Really no one else in the entire world can feel exactly what you feel. No one else can do what you do, think like you think or express themselves like you. This is amazing, perplexing and intriguing all rolled up together… and maybe meant to be.

Each one of us is a unique being experiencing the journey of our lives. It’s this uniqueness and individualism that contributes to the diversity of our world and how we enrich each others lives. I don’t think we should underestimate the importance and value of this. So as fascinating as it is to think what it would be like to be someone else, to see through their eyes, feel their emotions, to be in their consciousness, we should contemplate if would we want someone in ours.

Instinct–a natural desire or tendency that makes you want to act in a particular way or a way of thinking and feeling that is not learned–overall is a good thing. Instincts whisper or sometimes shout to us what we should do, say or be. They tell us when something feels good or right. They also tell us when something does not feel so good or right, or when things feel off and that there are missing pieces. This missing pieces thing is hard.

I do think that listening–really listening–to your instincts is a good thing. It can save you a lot of contemplating, worrying and over thinking, and can be enlightening and directional. But when your instincts are telling you that something is not adding up or making sense you can feel confused or sad–and even feel uncertain and alone–and fairly quickly might I add. And it’s so difficult sometimes to let that just be especially when it hurts your heart.

You go on this emotional journey of trying to reconcile what you are feeling, examining your thoughts, actions and words. You take a deep dive into yourself to see what you might be able to do to find the answer or to find the pieces that are missing. But you just can’t.