Sometimes the more I work on this change stuff, of finding my purpose and living my passion, the more I feel like I’m standing still, and I have “what the hell am I doing” moments. OK, I’ll admit they are more than moments. There are times when they are just complete breakdowns and they stay with me for a while. Maybe it’s because I feel I’m “in-between;” in-between something that I do now and something that I’ll be doing in the future. In-between seasons of my life—of who I was and who I’m evolving to become; and in-between holding on and letting go.

I pull myself together to take on the day, to live up to my commitments and responsibilities and to stay in the moments of the day. I get my mindset in order—reflecting on the emotions, calming myself and ensuring myself that I am learning and growing from this, and everything will be OK and is OK, and that I’m right where I’m suppose to be. (And I do believe this.) I regroup and drive forward with ideas and plans. And actually there are many days when I feel wonderfully productive, content and even excited, but there are those days when I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself “What are you doing?” So back to the cycle of “in-between-ness” and working through that (again).

So it really got me thinking. I started to ask myself when I regroup am I picking up the same pieces in the same order?  So what I discovered (and, yes, the discovery process is always underway) is that I do. It’s a way to get back to functional. I’m somewhat comfortable with that—getting back to functional, but I do need to pick up the pieces in a different order, and even maybe let some pieces out and put some new pieces in.

On Story People I came across this wonderful quote, “When you start to crack open, don’t waste a moment gathering your old self up into something like you knew before. Let your new self splash like sunlight into every dark place & laugh & cry & make sounds you never made & thank all that is holy for the gift, because now you have no choice but to let all your love spill out into the world.”

So when I experience those times of breaking because I’m feeling “in-between,” let it spill out and put a light into those dark places where I may feel like I’m not making progress, where I feel change is not happening fast enough, where I feel I’m letting others and myself down, where I beat myself up for feeling like I can’t break out of some self imposed or defined cycle, or where I’m living by someone else’s expectations. Let the light expose new things about myself. This is a gift.

Through my thinking, I also started to ask myself am I making promises to myself that I don’t keep and do I have too many “if-only’s”. Let me take the making promises one first. I start to feel torn on things I want to do and things I have to do., and I feel that I’m not making progress toward the things I want to do. In efforts to make progress, I start to take too many things on. I start to feel stressed, overwhelmed, sad or lonely, and at times it feels safer to just watch the world through a window. And then I start the promises to myself—with the “tomorrow I’ll (fill in the blank)”.  So a remedy—stop the promises. They are setting up expectations that are fueling a negative cycle. I will start where I am at and get out in the world.

Now on the “if-only’s” and “when’s.” Let’s face it, there is really never going to be a perfect time, place or set of circumstances. As the old-adage goes, “there is no time like the present.” So I’m working on removing the “if-only’s” and “when’s” from my thinking and vocabulary, and simply starting where I’m at because that is just fine. When I’m feeling “in-between” there is little that can help until I move. It’s not about what direction I decide to go, but simply the fact that I’m moving. And once in motion, things start to get clearer, ideas louder and motivation increases. Movement brings a clarity and creates momentum.

I’m sure I’ll continue to have my bouts of “standing still” and “in-between.” They are part of life’s journey and I have to learn to accept and embrace them—and to move through them. And there lies a bit of the answer—movement. In movement energy is created and inspiration found (as you see and do different things and meet different people). So standing still is OK, but make sure you don’t stand still too long! Just move on what your heart at the moment is telling you and start where you are. It is  movement that creates stepping stones in your life.